I'd Like a 6-Month Lease with a side of Dirty Exhibitionist
As I mentioned in my previous post, my apartment complex is NOT safe. I have been exposed to more crackheads, prostitutes, thiefs, and "ethnics" than I saw in 4 years at a GHETTO ASS high school. The rent is fair, however, and the place is only 5 minutes away from work (I'm still late EVERY DAY). I moved closer to the interior of the complex when my last lease expired, thinking I would be less accessible to the bastards that were breaking into cars near the entrance gate at a rate of 2 per week. Since I've been hunkered down inbetween the office and the tennis court (two places RARELY visited by the kind of people I am afraid of), my existence has been relatively peaceful. Several dog owners have recently moved in around me, encroaching on my quiet corner of the hood, but I have not been robbed or begged at for "jus' a dolla, all i need issa dolla'".
On the 2nd of this month, full of grape soda and out of options, I agreed to signing a new lease for another 6 months. I wanted to move into a part of town with a little more culture and a little less rape, but my search for a roomate (much like the search for someone who will let me put it in the butt) came up empty.
Fast forward to the next day...I returned home from work to find a sheet of paper clipped to my doorframe. This is a popular tactic used by Papa John's, Hunan Garden, and Juan Carlos' Trash Pickup Sevice, to gain my attention before I have taken out the trash or started fixing dinner. But today's note was OFFICIAL, and it read as follows:
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ATTENTION RESIDENT
It has been reported that a large african-american man has been exposing and pleasuring himself in the parking lot. This gentleman is reported as being over six-feet tall, with closely shaved hair, and glasses.
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THe letter continued on to say that we, the residents, should be on the lookout for the horsecock and it's handler, but be cautious and refrain from walking alone at night. I take issue with two aspects of the letter.
1. They called him a GENTLEMAN. Gentlemen don't beat it in parking lots.
2. They called him African-American, but Tavis Smiley and the good folks at NPR and Pacifica Radio tell me that the preferred term is now Black-American. All I know is that he is an Icky American. With monkey habits. Who lives in my apartment complex.
On the 2nd of this month, full of grape soda and out of options, I agreed to signing a new lease for another 6 months. I wanted to move into a part of town with a little more culture and a little less rape, but my search for a roomate (much like the search for someone who will let me put it in the butt) came up empty.
Fast forward to the next day...I returned home from work to find a sheet of paper clipped to my doorframe. This is a popular tactic used by Papa John's, Hunan Garden, and Juan Carlos' Trash Pickup Sevice, to gain my attention before I have taken out the trash or started fixing dinner. But today's note was OFFICIAL, and it read as follows:
--------------------------
ATTENTION RESIDENT
It has been reported that a large african-american man has been exposing and pleasuring himself in the parking lot. This gentleman is reported as being over six-feet tall, with closely shaved hair, and glasses.
---------------------------
THe letter continued on to say that we, the residents, should be on the lookout for the horsecock and it's handler, but be cautious and refrain from walking alone at night. I take issue with two aspects of the letter.
1. They called him a GENTLEMAN. Gentlemen don't beat it in parking lots.
2. They called him African-American, but Tavis Smiley and the good folks at NPR and Pacifica Radio tell me that the preferred term is now Black-American. All I know is that he is an Icky American. With monkey habits. Who lives in my apartment complex.
posted by Kam at 6:45 AM
4 Comments:
I'm never coming over to your apartment again. Just last year the police murdered some knife-weilding schizo right in the parking lot.
And according to your mom, the police only shoot you if you're black or hispanic. "...or schizophrenic. They always shoot the schizophrenics because they're so erratic." (Wonder why they haven't gotten her yet?)
That's fucking hilarious. I used to live at 5401 Chimney Rock Rd and there were all kinds of freaks and geeks outside of the gates. The stores across the street had burglar bars in their windows, no one really spoke English ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE GATE.
I too once lived in crack-head central. It was awful. If I wanted to leave at night, I had to do it James Bond style...peeking out the window to make sure the coast was clear and then running/flipping/rolling to my car.
Then when I got home, I had to circumnavigate the building until the dealers/customers had cleared out.
Kam, where's your fucking tattoo?
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